A Brief Look at the Right-Wing Media

I could spend today talking about the massive pro-Syria rally in Lebanon or Bush's failing efforts to sell his privitization scam, but that's too easy. Instead, let's look at some of the people who feed the conservative movement:

William F. Buckley Jr. - Reacted to being called a ‘crypto-Nazi’ by becoming violent and homophobic. Actually is a crypto-Nazi, if his hatred of gays, Jews, and his love of despotism are any clue.

Jonah Goldberg – Barely fifth rate; he’s not even interesting. Has absolutely nothing to say yet continues to milk his connection to the whole sordid Lewinsky affair. Wrote articles from a Jewish perspective for years before admitting he had never considered himself Jewish in any way. Pathetic.

George Will – Pretentious idiot. Thinks he can prove he’s smarter than you by cramming quotations into his lousy articles. Once wrote a piece pining for the days when people with HIV would wither and die in only a few years; bemoaned the fact that these newer, more effective AIDS drugs would “lead to a lack of understanding about the danger” of HIV. More out of touch than Louis XVI.

Ann Coulter –Too many things to mention; Coulter is essentially Hitler with boobs and a blond wig. Before you accuse me of playing the Hitler card indecently, I might remind you that Coulter has called non-white people ‘savages’ and talked at length about ‘the benefits of fascism’. So maybe I’m not so off-base.

Laura Ingrahm – The poor man’s Ann Coulter, by which I mean they’re both whores (no disrespect to whores, of course). Claimed that being ‘elite’ had nothing to do with wealth or power, making a pro-choice homeless man more elite than President Bush. Also said that art is useless unless it enforces the status quo.

Michael Savage – Actually mentally ill. Claims to hate gays, but writes homoerotic prose and lives in San Francisco. Calls people ‘sheeple’, Ruth Bader Ginsburg ‘Ruth Badgirl Ginsburg’, Madeline Albright ‘Secretary of Hate Halfbright’ and third-world countries ‘turd world countries’. Hilarious.

Jeff Gannon – A sad shell of a man. Used a fake name and phony credentials to pretend to be a journalist so he could ask Bush ridiculously slanted questions. Now, he operates a blog (under his fake name) and essentially reprints White House press releases. Maybe he should go back to being a prostitute; I hear he’s got 8 inches.

Rush Limbaugh – A sad puffball of a man. Spreads right-wing lies on the radio hours and hours every day, and what does he get for it? Drug addiction, three divorces, a recurring weight problem, and his arch nemesis is gaining on him in the ratings. To top it off, Mr. Snerdley doesn’t even exist.

Sean Hannity – Indistinct party hack. Writes crappy books, has a crappy radio show, and does whatever the GOP tells him. Treats squirrel-man Alan Colmes like his pet poodle, which I suppose is right.

Thomas Friedman – Graduated Brandeis, alas. I count him as right-wing. Why? He blithely shrugs off the monetary and human cost of our involvement in the Middle East; then says we invaded Iraq ‘because we can’ without choking on his own shame. Reacts to tough questions by running off the stage.

David Horowitz – I didn’t like him when he was a Stalinist and I don’t think he’s changed. Spreads ridiculous lies about my professors and my school. Thinks that drawing a line in Javascript between people proves that they’re part of a conspiracy.

Bill O’Reilly – His idea of ‘debate’ is to scream at you for ten minutes and then cut your mic off when you try to respond. Claims to have won Peabody awards, been a college football star and served in combat when he did none of those things. Contradicts his own mother about his childhood and expects no one to notice. Told the son of a man who died on 9/11 to “get out of here before I tear you to fucking pieces.” Wrote the world’s worst sex scene. Also, ‘falafel’.